There is so many complications as to why this happened. Long story short… my parents went on a 6 week holiday to Europe on the 1st of October.

My Grandfather, Jose Fernandez, died at 8:30pm on the 1st of October.

My father went home to the Philippines shortly after the news was delivered to my family that, after a period of sickness, my Lolo was diagnosed with lung cancer. My dad went home for almost a month, and as I understand, already came to terms with the fact that his father had a very limited time left and had accepted it.

My dad instructed both his sisters (Jane and Joy) in the Philippines and myself that, should anything happen from the 1st of October – the day of their departure – to the end of their holiday … They don’t want to hear about it. In the words of my dad, they requested a strict “news blackout”.

It was almost midnight on the 2nd of October when my brother and I found out about this, and only by chance. I happened to be looking through FaceBook at the time and I came across one of our childhood friends’ status updates. The update went along the lines of “My condolences to the Fernandez family”. A friend of hers questioned who had passed away, to which she replied “Lolo Jose”.

I was shocked. I was hoping that it was just another false alarm like my father got a few times, of overseas relatives who had assumed someone had died and offered condolences when in fact, it was just that my lolo was sick.

I went straight to my brother’s room, and asked him to read Mutya’s message. We went crazy looking for mum’s phone book, trying to dial Philippine numbers that weren’t working or were busy lines. Instead, again through FaceBook, we contacted Mutya who passed us onto my cousin Donna.

When prompted whether or not Mutya’s message was true or not, Donna couldn’t reply. Instead, my aunty Jane replied. As soon as Aunty Jane was put on the Chat instead of Donna, we knew it was true. There was no other explanation.

Tita Jane opened the conversation by first asking Gerald whether or not my dad had spoken to us about Dad’s requested news blackout, to which we replied the affirmative. That was when Aunty Jane’s voice broke and she gave us the news we were dreading – that Lolo was gone. He had passed away more than 24 hours ago … yet we only find out about it by chance – and through FaceBook. Ridiculous.

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Just had to leave and have a big serious talk with my brother. We were talking about spirituality and belief. And how everything that has happened in the past has led us to this particular moment. That God, and now both my grandfathers, will be watching over us. It just occurred to me – that even though I don’t firmly believe in this – it is totally possible that the reason why I have been so hesitant to leave Sofitel is that God was gearing me for this particular event… to have the means to save up enough money to be able to visit my grandfather in the Philippines.

Aunty Jane said that we MUST be strong. Gerald said that we have to take it one day at a time. That tonight, we reflect on our memories. “Fuck regret” as Gerald put it. He said to keep Lolo in our thoughts.

But I disagree. Lolo no longer needs to be in my thoughts as he is now in my heart. The souls who I will pray for tonight are the people that my Lolo has left behind – Lola Norma, all his children, my dad, Donna, Gerald and I.

God rest his soul, Jose Fernandez. Bless his family, and fill us with hope and reverence for the future.

I was nervous to tell them… Sam’s current boyfriend is from Vancouver, and they met online. They’ve been making it work out for years now and it’s given me hope. When Sam told me about her and Victor, I knew she would be the first I would tell about Kevin as she was probably going to be the most understanding.

Understandably, Jeni was more upset by the fact that I had kept it a secret for almost a year without telling anyone. I get this feeling that she doesn’t 100% believe me, but I’m fine. I’ll tell her all the honest truths and my story will be dead set straight.

Nancy had to be the most down-to-earth person out of the three. She was excited for me, but she also reminded me that there’s such a high degree of risk in a long distance relationship (to which I agree).

Kevin, on the other hand, was surprised and a little awed that I managed to tell the 100% truth about us to my closest friends. Apparently he’s only told his best friend, James, about me. How much he’s told him, I have no clue, but Kevin stated that if other people asked him as to how we met, he’d lie and say an exchange program. Don’t really know how I feel about that.

Anyway, the past few days, I’ve been fucking up for Uni. The accounting assignment was due last night, 11:55pm. It’s 10:57pm the next day and I still haven’t started it. It’s kind of.. the same story kind of thing… back with Daniel, I neglected my studies because I got too into him. Same thing is happening with Kevin, sigh duck.

I’m so into him though, I think he’s so wonderful. I’m trying to NOT get my hopes up, but it’s super hard when it’s for someone as wonderful as Kevin.

I don’t think you fully understand how attracted to you I am… because if you did, you wouldn’t brush off my attempts at engaging you in conversation, or my cues for intimate talk time or… just my need to know that we’re still connected.

I understand you’re very different from me… I understand that our experiences with relationships are varied, and most of all… I understand that our relationship is very difficult.

I have never asked you, but this is not my first long distance relationship. It is not the first intimate connecting of minds I have had, through a game. If this is your first, then perhaps I can give you some more leeway, but if not… I’m not sure I want to know how your previous ones ended.

I never know what to say to you. I’ve told you before that I don’t want to be your ball and chain, something that would drag you down, and someone who you would eventually resent. That’s one of my greatest fears. I’m always paranoid if I’m acting in the right way, and… I’m paranoid that these fears and instances of paranoia are the catalysts for what drives you away. I don’t want to do that.

I like you so much… I’m willing to accept your flawed identity, but will this physical distance between us be what tears us apart? At night, before I go to sleep, I always imagine what our first meeting will be like. Will we see each other, run to one another and hug fiercely? Kiss passionately amidst the busy airport and cling to one another? Or will it be an awkward greeting, full of nervous smiles and secret looks that promise more?

I can’t stop thinking about you. Are you thinking of me too?

Cheers. Good luck for the New Year.

My New Zealand trip is coming up next year, getting pretty revved up about it. I’m going to plan another trip to The Winery with the girls as part of our “Bon Voyage” celebration since we’re all going overseas around that time. Exciting!

Dad’s getting on my back about my enrolment, it’s true, I’m hella late – it’s been about two months since I initially sent in my first application (which they never replied back to – bastards). Gah, but isn’t the 21st of December too late? Gotta ask Stephen.

Anyhow, 12 hour shift tomorrow and then kapoof. Gotta get some rest.

Cheers

It seems that I once again am on the path of one of my childhood dreams. That dream being: me owning a library that covers a single huge wall in my (future) house, and that I can attest to anybody that I have read every single book that resides in those shelves.

I have been searching online for secondhand bookstores, and the websites of bookstores such as Dymocks and Borders. Unfortunately, there’s a few matters that I need to attend to before I begin to purchase such things, mostly matters in the financial realm. It’s not that I can’t afford to pay for them, it’s that the technologic mumbo jumbo that hinders me from my purchases (for example, I do not wish to check-out $50 worth of books at Dymocks without the acknowledgement of my Booklover’s Rewards card, but for some reason when I enter it into the site, it says that my membership card is invalid).

I guess it will take more time and more effort before I make serious headway to my childhood dream. That and I need to buy a bigger bookshelf for my room!

It’s currently 12:26am, and I’m to be awake in less than four hours for an 11 hour shift at work tomorrow… err… today. Will I make it? I’m not tired though, and I don’t do things unless I want to. Hmm. I guess it will be another sleepless night for me.

Time to hit the books!

The book begins with the history of Pug and Tomas, the two main characters in which the book revolves around. The other characters Feist presents are all amiable, immediately as a reader we find similarities in their character we can easily relate to, admire, or understand. Among my favourites of Feist’s characters in Magician is Prince Arutha, second legitimate son of the Duke Borric of Crydee.

Another thing I loved about Magician is the credibility and the way Feist weaves his tale where you wouldn’t doubt it for a moment. He takes you to the gritty little details of warcraft and humble life. In movies where they revolve around the similar kind of ‘fantasy era’ (such as Eragon or Dungeons & Dragons), time is not noted or made important. In such stories, the reader assumes the story takes place over a few months. In Magician however, the prelude to the great war and the war itself takes place over nine years. Nine years! It’s incredibly believable too, Feist intertwines little stories along the way and you truly fall in his pool of saga-telling.

I can’t wait to buy the second in the series, Silverthorn. I have this feeling that reading his books will keep me occupied for some time until EternityRO opens on the 1st of December, a mere week away. For this I am grateful as I am bored of the lack of purpose lately without having anything to work towards in Ragnarok. It sounds sad when I say it like that, haha.

Asides from expanding my reading, I’ve recently been listening to Stars’ album Nightsongs, and it’s the album preceding Set Yourself on Fire. It’s soothing, and it shows the young roots of the electronic style that Stars eventually fully adopt in Set Yourself on Fire. It’s always nice to see where people have been and where they have come to.

I sent in my William Blue college application two weeks ago. And I’ve still not received any word. Grrrrr. The wait is killing meee!

I started on a new RO server. It’s a 5/5/5 server, back to my old Anima/TalonRO roots, eh? Levelling’s hard, trust me. It’s called ValiantRO and it’s hilarious because the guild we created there is temporarily named Lemon Party. Talk about mega lols.

Got close to Kevin online. Almost had another Daniel repeat, but it seems like it’ll get cut short. He can’t get online during my times any more because his mum came back from her holiday in Toronto. I don’t think it would have worked out anyway.

I didn’t see my life flash before my eyes. I didn’t see it all in slow-motion. It just kind of… happened. One moment I was almost at the Hume Highway, and then next thing I remember, I was out of the car and screaming obscenities at the other driver. I believe the first thought, and the first words out of my mouth was “What the FUCK?!”

I was composed all throughout the aftermath, except I wobbled when my mum got out of her car to greet me. The appearance of mothers, I tell you. Everything was shaky at first, I could believe it was happening to me though. I was just dying to get back home and lie down, and instead we had to wait 3 and a bit hours for the police to arrive. My tow-truck driver’s names were Larry and Garry, who were both very nice and smoked too much.

The lady who I collided with was Catherine Veber. I believe she was on her way to pick up her son from All Saints Boys. She apparently didn’t see me at the intersection because of a parked car. She copped the fine and the ticket though as she was the one facing the Give Way signs.

I thought my parents would be really mad that I’d crashed and totalled my father’s car. I thought they’d be pissed off that it was another whole chunk of an expense on top of their heads. It turns out that they aren’t mad at all. They’ve got this whole “Shit happens” kind of thing going on. I love my parents.

Anyway, that was my very first accident. The very first time that a Police Officer has had to take down my statement. It was kind of scary. But I’m barely affected at all. I feel like it didn’t even happen to me.

Weird, huh?

I went out tonight with Roanna, whom I haven’t seen in months. We went to see the Vivian Girls live at a warehouse show in Surry Hills. Ema came with us, and so did her friend Lisa. To be honest, they were such downers the entire time, it depressed Ro and made her insecure. Was kind of awkward to be in the middle of all that. Afterwards, chilled at her house near midnight, while my mum chatted with her mum. She gave me a couple of CD’s to listen to (Vivian Girls x2, Chromeo and this other random one she assured me I’d like).

Oh, and another thing. I hate beer. Ugh.